October is here. The NBA preseason is officially canned, and as the Lions and Bills are combined 8-1, they remind us that nothing in life goes as planned.
Almost nothing: Darius Miles faces charges for wielding a loaded gun through a St. Louis airport. That shocked no one who’s familiar with former Trail Blazer violations against domestic air travel regulations, and common sense in general. Sebastian Telfair and Damon Stoudamire have yet to return my calls.
If I may, the nature of the Second Amendment is notoriously misconstrued within the NBA. The inalienable right is reserved for all players, except the Arenas/Crittendon and aforementioned West clauses. However, in Denver, club arms policy was left to the interpretation of Chris Andersen, who after a tragic misread several years ago, restricted Nugget players the right to “bare arms,” and the subsequent impact on Mile High tattoo parlors was remarkable. The franchise was never the same.
Anyway, a quasi-normal NBA season seems to be sailing further way. As of October 10, players and owners were roughly 8 percent in disagreement over player (“basketball”) compensation. More than a handful of guys are set to polish their international games in Europe, South America and Australia, including Tony Parker, who will play with a French team he partially owns, for a monthly check just shy of $2,000. Delonte West has been getting the rough end of snide rumors about the financial impact of player unemployment. I refuse to continue this banter, by, say, speculating how Parker’s two grand measures up against the monthly pay of West’s prospective day job. But if I were being held by my collar off a skyscraper, I would probably take the under on Delonte.
Excuse me.
As we quiver in fear of autumn’s entertainment compromise between Sundays, we must sadly anticipate television programming that is way less awesome than Blake Griffin’s post-game reel. Though optimistic paramedics continue to monitor the NBA’s cardiac arrest, life must go on for now. Thus, I have outlined an 8-month interpretation of life less the National Basketball Association.
October 29, 2011
Pan American Games, Guadalajara, Mexico
United States wins Men’s 4X100 with a reserve team (Ellis, Rose, Westbrook, James)
LeBron James wins Long Jump competition
October 31, 2011:
Halloween
DeMarcus Cousins and Tyreke Evans bring rookie Jimmer Fredette to a party after a workout.
Jimmer was terrified, but loosened up after a while.
LeBron James Jr. dresses up as Kobe Bryant.
Deron Williams states that he is never coming back to America.
November 4, 2011
Kyrie Irving’s NBA 2K12 record on X Box Live improves to 7-5. He has officially played more games as a professional than as a Duke Blue Devil.
November 15, 2011
Last Day NFL teams are permitted to sign free agents
Bill Belichick lures Dwight Howard to sign a one-year contract to play defensive end.
November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
Laker players gather at Kobe’s house.
Kobe and Matt Barnes bet on the SF/Baltimore evening matchup.
Kobe takes Baltimore. Wins. Barnes thrusts popcorn bowl in his face. Kobe doesn’t flinch.
Newly slender Fat Joe hosts tofurkey feast at Rucker Park.
December 1, 2011
Madison Square Garden hosts first Slamball event in years in front of a raucous crowd of 12,000.
Larry David occupies Spike Lee’s empty courtside seat.
Spike shows up at halftime, Larry is removed.
December 25, 2011
Christmas Day
St. Nick Collison and Thunder teammates lead a Secret Santa operation for Oklahoma City’s underprivileged.
Russell Westbrook shares!
December 31, 2011
New Year’s Eve
Chris Bosh returns the Bowflex that his teammates bought him for Christmas.
Mark Cuban to Young Money: Party at Dirk’s!
January 1, 2012
New Year’s Day
Resolutions:
Dirk: No Patron after midnight.
Brandon Jennings’ agent: Get Brandon (@H00dFavorite) off Twitter.
James Harden: More Beard.
January 12, 2012
Patty Mills is mistaken for The Weeknd, performs alongside Drake in front of 25,000 in Sydney.
Patty Mills retires from basketball.
February 5, 2012
Super Bowl
New England narrowly defeats Green Bay, 21-17.
Dwight Howard records two sacks, one pass breakup.
February 14, 2012
Valentine’s Day
Minneapolis launches quick strike “Love Is In The Air” campaign, featuring Kevin Love showering romantics with Sweetheart candy from a helicopter.
Love misses flight to Minnesota from Los Angeles. Darko Milicic assumes role as Love’s body double (double).
Love gets the credit in the newspaper.
February 15, 2011
Kris Humphries files for divorce. Sites emotional abuse, will settle out of court.
March 1, 2012
Brian Scalabrine returns from Europe, hired by Food Network to host a bi-weekly Italian cooking program. His mother signs on as co-host.
Ratings soar.
March 25, 2012
Houston Rockets’ and former Arizona Wildcats Jordan Hill and Chase Budinger spend Spring Break in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
Budinger hired as glass-bottom boat tour guide, does not return to America.
April 1, 2012
Lamar Odom tells Khloe he loves her.
April Fools!
April 15, 2012
Chris Bosh hired as head coach of the WNBA’s Atlanta Dream.
Later that night, Bosh has a nightmare.
April 30, 2012
Metta World Peace announces he is a Green Party candidate for the United States Presidency.
The globe is rattled.
May Day, 2012
Midnight
A violent jolt shakes landmasses from Australia to Alaska. Coastal towns worldwide sink and submerge into their bordering water bodies.
Without a moment to gasp, Earth is inexplicably steered from its natural orbit, thrust from the Sun’s cozy proximity, and everything freezes and dies.
The Mayans chuckle.
