Recently I submitted an application for a Los Angeles agency’s new portfolio school. They wanted the story of my life in 500-words or less. Here’s what they got:
(clears throat)
I was born blind.
My early optical deficits cultivated my keen ear, and my enthusiasm for music was wildly evident. I taught myself to apply the needle to a turntable at age 3, preferring Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata.”
I eventually gained my sight at age 6, and taught myself to read by my 7th birthday. I developed a passion for blues harmonica at 10-and-a-half, and ran away from home at 11 to explore my heritage and musical direction in Biloxi, Mississippi.
I returned to the Northwest for high school at age 14, poised to settle down and begin a normal life. Seamlessly, I integrated myself into various nooks of the student body. I would arrive early to tutor biology and political science, and stay long after academic hours shooting dice with the basketball team. My high school years were otherwise balanced playing competitive tennis and chess. At the pinnacle of my high school career, I put the pawns and rooks away and paid my undivided attention to my racquet.
I was mentored closely by tennis legend John McEnroe. So humbled he was by the grace of my play, he eventually resigned as my trainer to temporarily explore a career as a yoga instructor. Left to train alone, I set out for lofty athletic peaks.
My big tennis break approached as I qualified for the 2008 Summer Olympics. Unfortunately, my career hiccupped after I shattered my femur saving an infant child from a derailed roller coaster at Disneyland. My tennis career was paused, yes, but I managed to compete for the United States’ table tennis team in a wheel chair. Despite my temporary disability, I brought home a gold medal in the singles.
My first post-accident steps were taken to climb the podium. Queen Elizabeth II knighted me thereafter for my humanitarian efforts and competitive spirit.
Don’t get me wrong; my life hasn’t been all peaches and cream. Somehow I FAILED to trademark the Shake Weight AND Justin Bieber, both of which I created in college. This is sort of the reason I’m searching for work.
I digress. It was a fun fifteen minutes, but my celebrity drove me towards modest aspirations: life as a college student. I have since resided in Eugene, Oregon to study advertising and commence my professional career.
DENIED
